Asperger’s symptoms in Children, Teens, and Adults: Are they Different?

Asperger’s symptoms

Hi there I'm Lori Petro today I want to talk about Asperger's now over the last few months I've come across several articles about

what not to say to someone with Asperger's or what not to say to parents with a child on the spectrum but all of these focus on what not to say to adults

so it got me thinking about what not to say to kids with Asperger's growing up I received a lot of feedback about my behavior

 but it wasn't the kind of feedback that helped me make better decisions it can be easy to see our children as being the problem the ones who need

to learn a lesson or be more respectful more caring or more well behaved but how often do we turn that pointy finger around and point it towards our own hearts

how often do we look inside and say what do I sound like what do I look like how I come across to my kid a pattern of harsh handling or impatience

can really erode your relationship and your influence as well as the way your child sees him or herself so not only will your children believe

what you say about them but they will act on it I know the kids of the spectrum can frustrate your many neurotypical expectations I know

because I was one of those kids but there was no Asperger's back then so my parents were just left feeling confused

and so was I why didn't they understand me why did they say I had no emotion why did they say I was rude

I was just trying to be clear or accurate or helpful I notice what remains unseen to you and whether you see an exaggerated response from your kids

or understand the reality of an oversensitive system please know that kids on the spectrum don't intentionally try

to ignore expectations or aggravate their elders even when you think you have said it enough made it clear enough

 or been gentle enough sometimes kids on the spectrum will just perceive more than you intended we think and communicate

about things differently and all that ABA in the world will not fix what's not broken the unique perspective of someone with Asperger's is an integral part of their operating system

 and one that I believe needs to be respected and understood if you want to better understand and communicate with your child

here are my top five phrases to never say to a child with Asperger's or let's face it any child really and also some alternatives for what to say instead okay

number one my first phrase to lose is you are too sensitive or you're overreacting you don't even need to replace this one just

stop saying it this is probably the number one phrase that will send an Aspie into a blinding rage or a shamed sense of disconnection let's just assume that the emotional

and physical nature of Asperger's includes a hyper awareness of the world what seemed like ordinary sights sounds smells and even movements too

you can be incredibly difficult to manage for a child with Asperger's I heard over

and over as a child you're too sensitive and I'm not too sensitive I am highly intuitive and exquisitely adept at perceiving stimuli

 and that includes your inner world your pain your stress your worries and I do that within intensity that can short-circuit my central nervous system

you can't hide your emotions from your ass bee child there there's this myth that ESPYs lack empathy or lack the ability to understand another person's emotions

and that is just the biggest load of BS only a neurotypical could make that assumption the majority of ass bees that I know are extremely empathetic and intuitive

so the point of it even being physically painful we also happen to be really good at separating ourselves and distancing ourselves from emotion

so we can look at a situation logically and analytically but that doesn't mean that we don't feel or notice the feelings of others in fact we actually shut down

because we feel too much you your child's tantrums as a reaction to his perceptions of the stimuli rather than a choice that he is making to interrupt your piece or cause you trouble in those moments safety empathy and your calm presence are what move your child fro

m meltdown to maturity my next suggestion is to stop saying you are

so disrespectful or you are just being defiant it's never constructive to be critical if your child is being

 disrespectful he likely feels disrespected if he's being defiant he's attempting to retain dignity his

sense of autonomy I loved when dr. Shefali declared her love for the defiant child in her recent Oprah interview because it's so true the defiant child won't let you use your power to control them whatever

 hypocrisy or dissonance they sense they will mirror it right back to you loud and clear defiance is a request to be seen and heard it is a blanket of armor that is worn to protect the self

so instead of assuming your child's intentions can you inquire about his resistance by building a bridge use words like I never realized how strongly you felt about this or

I was clearly under estimating your passion or I don't like it when you tell me that I'm wrong but I respect that you have a different view than I do or we disagree

 but I believe that we can come to a place of agreement where we could work out our differences disrespect is not something that

we are born with defiance is not a symptom of Asperger's these actions are bred from a sense of

 isolation disconnection or feeling unheard aspies will show you the respect cooperation and loyalty

that you expect and desire when you walk your talk with honor and without using blame shame judgment or guilt to try and change behavior okay number three the next time that you want to say if

you would just or why can't you just step back and remember that your child is doing the best that she can in that moment nothing makes a child who was struggling with meeting the expectations of

adults feel worse than when you assume that she isn't trying pay attention to listen to do what she's

 told as a kid I always heard oh she's so smart but she doesn't apply herself but no one investigated

 why I wasn't applying myself they just assumed that I wasn't that I was refusing to kids on the

spectrum may need lots and lots of repetitive practice and support to accomplish certain tasks they

are also helped if you make your requests visual and break things into smaller steps ASPI kids are visually oriented so remember to show them don't tell them don't give directions from three rooms

across the house and then expect them to be followed many aspies cannot process verbal instructions

 they need to actually be shown the steps and some times over and over before those patterns of

expected behavior will take hold it's never helpful to presume that your child is not trying or that she could do if she would just try more your child may actually be struggling with some aspects of the

action and not able to manage moving from point A to point B help your child reflect where she could
make new choices and evaluate outcome so that she can understand her strengths and her weaknesses

and see where she can actually apply new behaviors you can use words like let's try again or this is a challenge what could we do instead or I bet that there is more than one way to do this what do you

 think you have any ideas about what we could do or let's leave these instructions out that might help

if we can refer to them or can we make a list of what did work and what didn't work this time

okay I know that sometimes the reactions of your child can baffle you but the next phrase that I want you to stop saying is why would you say that what's wrong with you shame on you remember to

help your child with social interactions rather than interrogating him about his blunders if you ask

your child why they did what they did you will likely get a very blunt response that might incite

your anger or your child might shut down and give you no answer possibly frustrating you even more

because you don't understand a child who laughs when a friend gets hurt or who gives unsolicited

 advice does not mean to appear to lack empathy sometimes it's the discomfort of not knowing want to say or a passion for problem-solving logic makes a speii kids react in ways that seem unkind or

 uncaring putting your foot in your mouth is embarrassing enough for everyone and no one wants to

 be pigeonholed into those kind of behaviors no matter how often they happen so if your child

 responds with an inappropriate remark give quality feedback about what to do next time inquire

about your child's reactions or point him to notice what you really want him to notice next time you can say seems like you're having a hard time right now or that was unexpected or I'm not sure Jack

understood what you meant by that let's try telling him again be straightforward it looks like you

were surprised when Kayla fell off her chair I bet that hurt let's ask her if she's okay

 inappropriateness is not a lack of empathy so don't assume that your child doesn't feel for another

person simply because his expression is not delivered in the way that you were used to and my final

phrase to give the axe to is look at me maintaining eye contact has long been touted by discipline experts as a sign of respect but it's just not true especially for an Aspie making eye contact can feel

like an anxiety ridden test of strength with no clear purpose and no clear purpose is just what an

 Aspie needs to defy your request every time first eye contact has nothing to do with respect since I

was a child I was look at people's mouths when they spoke and it happened unconsciously I would

 catch myself looking at their mouths and sometimes I would look up at the eyes but my habit seems to be to stare at the mouth no one ever commented and I never shared my secret gaze with anyone

and I also had no idea why I did it until I was in my late 30s and I discovered that avoiding eye

contact was common for kids with Asperger's looking into someone's eyes tends to distract my focus

but mostly it feels uncomfortable and when I feel uncomfortable my anxiety goes up and my verbal

communication skills go down so please stop asking your kids to look at you that may be driving

them to a state of reactivity where their ability to understand and follow what you are saying is

actually compromised if your child struggles with making I contact have them used the bridge of the nose as a focal point right between the eyes and trust that your child will look where it feels right and

safe to do so and that looking at you doesn't necessarily mean that he's hearing you okay that was my

teachable moment for you I could probably go on and on and on with these but we only have so much

time in these videos so I want to hear from you mom's dad don't on the spectrum to to teachers

counselors what was one thing that you think we should never say to a child with Aspergers leave me a note in the comments and share your thoughts because I would love to know what you guys think

and if you want more video trainings like this be sure to check out my website at tasty love comm

 and subscribe to my youtube channel because when you subscribe to updates I will send you my

free training to help you create the family that you deserve now did you like this video because

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and next time please remember it's about consciousness not perfection it's all through today you. Next Parkinsons disease 101: Quick explanation of causes and treatment

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